Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse that’s been around for decades — but it’s not just a relic from the past. In fact, in the U.S., 25% of adults have experienced some form of gaslighting at least once in their lives, according to the mental health organization Stop Gaslighting. 

The term gaslighting refers to when someone tries to manipulate you into doubting your memory and sanity by making false statements or giving misleading information about events so that they can weaken your ability to defend yourself against their abuse or control.

Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse in which the victim’s sense of reality is attacked. The gaslighter will tell you that your memory, thoughts, or feelings are not true—or that they don’t apply to you.

Gaslighting happens when someone tries to manipulate you into doubting your memory, sanity, and opinions about things in order to weaken your ability to defend yourself against the manipulator’s abuse or control. If you suspect you’ve been gaslighted, consider these options for responding to gaslighting in the moment or at a later time so that you can push back instead of internalizing their abuse:

1. You’re convinced that you’ve misremembered an important detail about something.

• “I can’t believe I didn’t remember that!” or, “I thought it was Tuesday when it was really Thursday.”
• You feel like your emotions are extreme, moody, or erratic.
• “All of a sudden my feelings are all over the place.”
• You worry constantly about making mistakes and being unable to figure out what is right/wrong, true/false, or good/bad for yourself.
• “Am I doing this wrong?” or “What if I’m making a big mistake?”

2. You’re afraid to talk about a particular situation or person because you think you’ll be wrong, even though you know you’re right.

• You’re afraid to talk about a particular situation or person because you think you’ll be wrong, even though you know you’re right.
• You feel embarrassed, ashamed, or guilty when someone disagrees with your opinion.
• You may find yourself feeling like the gaslighter knows something about you that no one else does, even though they don’t.

3. Your friends and family have started to notice that something is off.

If you find yourself struggling to explain what is happening and why chances are your friends or family have noticed your behavior change. They may ask you if something is wrong or if something has happened to cause this change. If they do ask about it, be honest with them but only tell them as much as you feel comfortable sharing. You might not know how to talk about it and that’s okay!

If there comes a time when you feel ready to talk about what is going on in your relationship with Gaslighting, remember that talking about it will help get rid of the gaslighting effect over time.

4. The gaslighter is successful at making you question everything, from your own memories to your own thoughts and feelings.

Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse where the abuser manipulates their victim into doubting their own sanity and reality. The gaslighter is successful at making you question everything, from your own memories to your own thoughts and feelings.

As a result, you start second-guessing yourself more in general. You don’t know who to trust anymore—if it’s even possible for anyone else to be trusted. You’re stuck in this constant state of confusion and anxiety as everyone around you tells different stories about what happened or what they remember from events, which causes waves of doubt about whether any of your experiences are accurate or true at all. 

This can be especially difficult when it comes to intimate relationships, as gaslighting often occurs between partners who are close enough that there seems little point in questioning them (like family members).

5. You don’t know who to trust anymore.

It’s important to remember that you’re not crazy! The first step in overcoming gaslighting is realizing what has happened, and by taking a step back and re-evaluating your situation, you can get help for yourself.

No matter how small the problem seems right now, it’s important that you get rid of the negative feelings associated with this person or situation as soon as possible. You deserve better than being made to feel like your feelings don’t matter—you are worthy of respect!

If you’ve felt powerless in some way because of someone else’s behavior toward you and are questioning what is real or not, then it’s time to seek out support from trusted sources. Here are some great suggestions:

6. You feel like you cannot talk to anyone — not even your friends and family — about the problems you’ve been having with the gaslighter.

This is a sign that you are in the victim’s position, and you may be being gaslighted. Do not be afraid to ask for help from friends or family members if you are unsure if this is happening to you. If you do decide that someone is gaslighting you, then it will be important for anyone who cares about your well-being to know so they can assist.

7. You start criticizing yourself for the smallest mistakes.

If you find that your self-confidence is decreasing, and you are constantly criticizing yourself for the smallest mistakes, like mispronouncing a word or forgetting someone’s name, then it may be time to pause and take stock of what’s happening.

How can I respond?

• Recognize that this is a subtle form of gaslighting. You are not being treated well by anyone!
• Understand that this pattern is not normal or healthy. It has been established as a way of manipulating you into feeling shame and guilt over things that don’t matter in the grand scheme of things.
• Resist any urge to be hard on yourself—you are not alone!

8. The gaslighter’s version of events always seems more logical than your own version. 

You may have heard of gaslighting, a manipulative form of emotional abuse in which the abuser tries to convince the victim that their perception of events is wrong. The perpetrator does this by telling them that they are imagining things or overreacting, and then subtly erasing their version of the story from both parties’ memories. The gaslighter’s version of events always seems more logical than your own version even if it doesn’t fully add up. 

You start doubting yourself and feeling like you’re going crazy as you try and make sense of what happened between you two. This is an effect of a gaslighting relationship.

Conclusion

If you suspect you’ve been gaslighted by someone close to you, there are steps you can take today (or later on) so that they’ll stop trying to manipulate your memory and sanity — starting with recognizing what’s happening first!